she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap