No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Put a ring on it
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Guantanamo Bae
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.