My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
You Might Also Like
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Cake safety first. Always.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.