The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
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HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Beware…..
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.