*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*