Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired