“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
When your man makes a valid point
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
being a writer on Twitter:
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money