Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Spider-cat: No One Home
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”