Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.