mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
no refunds
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.