Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?