ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I beg your pardon?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
mentally somewhere in italy
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out