How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol