*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
sigh
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again