I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Sign at work today
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.