“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.