I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young