On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
You Might Also Like
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
did it work
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Love is always patient and kind.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts