HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
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Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
huge if true: the moon
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I think I’ll stand
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no