Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
CRYING
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Alexa; make it look like an accident
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.