I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”