my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
This fish is cracking me up
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.