You Might Also Like
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”