I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread