[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Practicing safe sax
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?