All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
You got this…
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?