Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck