Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.