My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.