Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
This came to me in a dream.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!