Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
we all know this pain all too well
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.