I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
handsome & gretel
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
smartest karate player in the world
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…