[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Going into Monday like
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream