Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Your honor these allegations are
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.