ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
That’s amazing.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?