From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Sniffing the broccoli
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Respect
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.