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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards