there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america