Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You Might Also Like
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I have never related to a cat more