I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.