Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.