“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns