Okay
You Might Also Like
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.