Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
You Might Also Like
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Sunday
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.