So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.