She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My background check bounced.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Breaking news:
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.