Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
You Might Also Like
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”