I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*puts words between two asterisks*
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.