HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine