Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
not seeing the problem
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys